Loving God

The church I’ve spent every Sunday of the first 10 years of my life in, Jelenia Gora, Poland (https://karkonoszego.pl/galerie/–bazylika-mniejsza-g280773)

Written on the 3rd of March, 2024

This blog is not a typical love story. I am not a Christian who has found God through a church or some life crisis, although I have tried to pretend to love God once I’ve heard about God’s true Character, many years after I’ve decided that God was dead.

The God of my Roman Catholic upbringing in communist Poland was not a God of Love, but a god of wrath. I was raised to believe that any pain and suffering I’ve endured was a result of “God” punishing me, because I have made “God” angry. People in Communist Poland were severely oppressed by their government and by their church, many if not the majority have resorted to violence, particularly towards their children. I am not sure if it was precisely the fact that 95% of families were church going Catholics, but the great majority of those families perpetuated violence against their children, which could be seen and heard on daily basis. Perhaps the religion combined with the communist regime and the culture, were all conducive to this punitive and often horrific treatment of children. Unfortunately many of those who were raised Catholic were violated in God’s name, were made to believe that the punishment was executed for God and by God. 

One of the statues in the church I attended as a child

Leaving Poland and it’s all powerful Catholic Church, as well as the family that taught me to fear God, for me felt like an escape from this God I have learned to fear and probably hate. As a teenager growing up in Australia I have strongly abandoned the idea of there being a God and continued to live in a rebellion against that God throughout my adult life.

I am not sure whether I have made a conscious choice to become an atheist, or just simply try to discredit the religion that taught me lies about God, simply because I was angry.

In 2010 I’ve heard about the teachings of Divine Truth, which are taught by the returned Jesus and Mary Magdalene, yes the same people who have taught God’s Truth in the first century. The first video I have watched was called The Secrets of the Universe and I loved what I’ve heard, it was all about a loving God. 

20090926 Overview Of Divine Truth – Secrets Of The Universe S1P1

20090926 Overview Of Divine Truth – Secrets Of The Universe S1P2

Perhaps because I love nature and have always felt that all the creatures must have been created by someone kind, that these presentations spoke to me? Perhaps somewhere in my childhood, I have had some experience where I felt God and had some faith squashed and hidden deep inside of me, that was stirred when I listened to Jesus speak about the wonderful, Loving God.

Ever since then I have tried to love this God I see evidence of in nature, meanwhile my rage towards my Catholic upbringing, was boiling over. The more truth I heard from Jesus about God, the more enraged I became about the religious lies, brain washing and soul washing, I’ve been subjected to. In effect driving me further and further away from connecting with the true, Loving God.

Proof of a Loving God

As a result of not wanting to feel the grief and sadness about the lies and indoctrination, the violence and the pain associated with my Catholic education about God, not only was I lividly enraged, but also I’ve put on a big facade that I do believe in the Good, Loving God.

I became the queen of “fake it till you make it,” which became my motto. It wasn’t a conscious decision to lie, but rather I believed that if I just act in accordance with what I was learning, as well as intellectually learn the teachings of Divine Truth, I will forge my way to the Celestial Heavens. Now I understand that I was just doing what I have been taught, exactly how my religious upbringing demanded of me to go about doing things. 

Religions and families who force their children into the religious teachings are only concerned with the appearance of obedience towards those teachings, there is no mention of heart based faith, of a seeking and longing for God, there is only the expected actions of obedience. In this way religions remain the middleman, otherwise why would you really want to engage all the ritualistic stuff, if you were taught that the only way to grow, change, love, develop and discover truth is through a sincere relationship with God? 

In this way I have arrogantly lied to myself for many years about my own character and my soul’s condition. Despite Jesus constantly speaking to us about the necessity for an emotionally engaged, personal relationship with God, I did not want to feel emotionally overwhelmed, which is a quality of humility and the only way God can respond to the seeking heart.

Divine Truth FAQ channel

It wasn’t until I have been personally confronted regarding my own character flaws, by attending the Assistance Groups that Jesus and Mary designed to help us to grow, that I have begun to see the reality of where I am at, you could say I began to see myself through God’s Eyes. 

Jesus teaches us to seek God’s help in dealing with our sin (definition: missing the mark of love), to pray for God to help us remove the causes of the sin, to desire God’s Love with all of our hearts so it can transform our soul into a Child of God. However, because of my Catholic guilt, and the severe propensity to self punish, a quality greatly upheld by the Catholic religion and the family I grew up in, the more of my sin I discovered the more difficult it became to even contemplate any possibility of a relationship with God, the possibility of God’s Forgiveness.

The second church I attended, Jelenia Gora, Poland

It takes time, effort and dedication to keep seeking to know the feelings, the error which darkens the soul and keeps it bound to the lies we have been indoctrinated with about ourselves and about God. I have more often than not tried to deny, justify and fight for my sin. This unwillingness to see myself as God sees me, has brought me over a decade of painful regret about my lack of progress. A painful decade of rejecting God and God’s Loving Authority.

However, quite recently I have begun to deal with my Catholic indoctrination. The more I prayed about why I reject God, the more obvious it became that to accept God’s Truth about God into my heart, means having to let go of the lies I held onto. As children we are so emotionally open, that we do end up believing so many lies that are forced into us, these lies then dictate our lives and keep us away from happiness, from love, from truth. I was shocked to find out that despite my rage and renunciation of my Catholic indoctrination for all these years, every single one of those lies was right there within me, I had deep faith in it all! Even though I knew it was all wrong as logic would dictate, my soul was filled with painful lies about God and how God feels about me.

While this is always work in progress, the more of the lies that leave, the more truth can replace them, if I desire to know the truth. In this way, one lie at a time, slowly, only because I still resist being humble to all my sinful feelings, my soul somehow seems to be changing. I am beginning to see the dawn after almost 50 years of darkness.